


Him and Her

by AdrianHunter



Category: Original Work
Genre: Bromance, Drinking, Drugs, F/M, Gen, Mentions of Sex, Pining, Unrequited Love, Working it Out, brief cutting scene, brief suicide attempt, getting over it, mentions of anxiety attacks, music references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-15
Updated: 2015-03-15
Packaged: 2018-03-18 01:52:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3551621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdrianHunter/pseuds/AdrianHunter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"This is what you call pining."<em></em></em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Him and Her

**Author's Note:**

  * For [younglj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/younglj/gifts).



> The male and female centers of the story have names but the names are not used. "He" refers to the girl as "Her". Everyone else is normal.  
> The story is divided into parts.  
> This is a pretty feely story- enjoy.

**Yi.**

I'll just have a hot chocolate, I know how good your coffee is," she says without looking up. He hates her instantly.

It's a shame he still has to be polite, "Sure and what-"

"Nothing, thank you," she interrupts; He looks at her in her clad black pants and grey hoodie, but can't find the energy to bother.

She just had this vibe about her.

Fast forward a couple of months-then years and everything would be different.

He really didn't see it coming.

**Er.**

"There was Daniel, then Joseph…Kingston-"

"Kingston?" He asks taking the coffee to his lips before a big gulp.

"Yes, it's still a name," she wrinkles her nose-she didn't like coffee, but he still drank it in front of her (with her) anyway.

As he watches her begin to start again, he realizes,  _no_ , he thinks –well, he  _thinks_  he's obsessed with doing things 'with her'.

The next coffee drop won't be the same.

"So as I was saying, before you so gracefully interrupted", she lifts the hot chocolate to her lips and takes in a sip before casting her eyes on the printed versions of her works-the ones he requested for, "It was or there was Daniel, Joseph, Kingston and Sean," stopping again-she's looking into his eyes now and he doesn't know what he sees there.

_I don't want to know what I see there._

**San.**

"Just so you know, you don't deserve it. You didn't deserve it!" He's outside, shouting in the rain. Her parents may be in, she may be restricted, but right now, she can't seem to care at all.

She smiles as she looks at the rain drops hitting his body, going all over his face- his breath is coming out in white puffs.

"Asshole!" She's smiling wide, ear to ear.

His face breaks into a smile, he bursts into laughter.

They're psychos- the both of them.

**Si.**

"He might just become a problem," clutching her cup of tea as she says this, he notices the smudges around her tired eyes. She's looking worse for wear.  _Oh fuck Daniel_ , he thinks.

"Not,  _Daniel_ ," she continues to say as if she read his thoughts.

"Xavier?" He asks-but he really doesn't want to hear any more of this guy.

"Yes, Professor X." The conversation finishes with her eating the last bit of her egg tarts (and him feeling a little  _unwanted_ )

"It's six thirty," he mentions absently, looking at her, but not quite looking at her. She looks at him a bit bitterly for those few seconds then she looks defeated.

"Yeah, I best be going home."

_Yes, you should._

**Wu.**

"Alright," She's not looking at him, but into some spot at the wall.

"Were you listening to what I said? I asked you something very important," His voice quivers with worry, his sorrow almost washing over him-he reaches out-unconsciously to touch her cheek, but she flinches away from his touch before raising an eyebrow as if to ease the tension.

It hurts when she does that and he tries his best to hide it.

She sees something before she says, 'I'm sorry."

He smiles half-heartedly and says, "It's okay, I know you're not a touchy feely person."

**Liu.**

"Good morning, mein geliebter!" She says as she sits in her favorite spot. He has to take a step back and look at her to be sure. She's wearing a big smile on her face. She's in burgundy pants and a white tank top- it speaks volumes, because it's so simple and so not Her, but-

"Why are you so happy?" He's suspicious of course, he adjusts his uniform at the collar, he'll take it off soon enough. His shift is over.

"Happy? Oh, I don't know," she replies interestingly, she's doing her signature 'looking down to hide from the goblins.' "Maybe I have something really important to tell you," she says as she looks into his bewildered eyes.

"Is it good or bad?"

The smile he receives in return is more than an adequate answer-it makes him hope; makes him hope for things, things he promised to never hope. He sits down, uniform and all, but she stops him and says, "Go change, first, you'll want this in something that isn't your uniform." He gets up and takes one last glance as he leaves.

She's never looked so beautiful, so carefree, so Daniel-less.

When he comes back, his hair is neater than usual, his smile bigger than usual, his heart , beating much faster than usual and so he tries his best to be calm, but he fails miserably-thankfully she doesn't notice too much.

She crosses her legs in her tight burgundy pants and it's all he can do to not think into it. She's comfortable with her skin today, arms, beautiful arms out in public; she stops to look at him and starts. "Well-"

"Well I-"

He almost hugs her.

"I, well, I."

He almost kisses her.

"I wanted to tell you that-"

He almost says I love you too.

"I spoke to Daniel yesterday."

Then the world stops.

**Qi.**

He doesn't care, he wants to kill himself or Daniel or maybe even both of them. He breaks all the vintage china he's been collecting for the past seven years. There's broken glass everywhere-he doesn't even need to think about it, it just happens. He gets a piece from wherever, vision fuzzy and blurry from whatever he's been taking, slits his right wrist without a flinch- it's that easy, He almost doesn't feel the pain(almost), it starts almost as quick as the speed the blood leaves his wrist. He hates blood, he might actually faint from looking at it entirely, but he doesn't- he slumps onto the floor and leans against the wall.

He sees white and then everything's gone.

**Ba.**

This is not the first time he ends up here.

His first time was when he was fifteen and something that can't really be mentioned happened to him; he forgets those things, the old things all have a box or a case with a lock and a key. A key that is always thrown away once the old things are locked up, this time will not be any different, he will forget this happened and he will forget why.

But as he looks up from his hospital bed to the porcelain white ceiling, to the bandage around his wrist and then the drip to his left, it's kind of hard to forget.

He hates himself.

**Jiu.**

"I feel so disorganized," she says to him, not even in the eye. He doesn't feel like seeing her and he certainly doesn't feel like talking to her, but he still looks her in the eye, unconsciously rubs at the tennis band around his right wrist and smiles half-heartedly,

"Well, come on, at least talk to me about it," he tries.

**Shi.**

Clement keeps coming to visit him, he brings chocolates, yoghurt and strawberry pie -every single time-He takes care of Him where he can and when he can. Clement has school, a job, an apartment, and a girlfriend and so maybe sometimes He feels a huge surge of guilt when Clement comes in the door right after his shift and he stays until late even though he has classes the next morning. He supposes that finding your friend bleeding onto the floor is not something that one forgets that easily, he does feel guilty- but the only thing he seems to feel is hate- for himself.

**Shi Yi.**

"I don't know why you keep hurting me," He says to her, facing the window, almost tears in his eyes, blinking them away. Yes, he  _said_  it, he finally  _said_  it. He doesn't wait for the surprise in her eyes to reappear.

**Shi Er.**

"You have always been you-why should I expect anything less?"

"But we're always like this."

"I feel like I'm less-less of myself because of you."

"We're-think about this, wait," she says, grabbing his wrist –the one with the band. He winces and snatches it away immediately, she's nothing but surprised.

"I am so stressed and emotional and everything that I can't explain and you're telling me to fucking think about it and wait?!" It comes out pained and angry ,nostrils flaring and eyes on the verge of swelling up rapidly,

**Shi San.**

He's cleaning up shop and ready to go home.

The sun is setting and he's just changed out of his uniform.

"Vicky, I'll see you tomorrow", he yells to the girl that lives a floor above the café. She waves to him and he takes his cup of coffee with him in his hand, it's horribly cold when he leaves the café; he pulls up his collar and starts his walk to the nearest bus stop. The night sky is clear and the winds are cold and harsh. He sees puffs of his own breath in the air as he walks with a heavy heart- It had been quite a while since he last saw her.

He opens up his music player and listens to 'Mein', and then he shoves his hands back into his pockets.

It's sad, but he is going to be alright.

It's alright because he will forget about her.

**Shi Si.**

"I'm going away," she says, her voice cracking over the phone. It's been half a year since he last saw her-but his heart still breaks into the shatters that were left.

"What?" His voice is small- quivering almost - he can't hold the phone without shivering. So he leans against the wall.

He needs to sit down.

"I'm leaving everyone and everything," she says.

"But why? He knows she won't say why, she never does.

"I'm not okay, I don't think I'll be okay and I don't think I can make it, please don't find me and don't call my mother."

He breathes heavily then he sighs heavily, "Alright, okay, okay." He runs a hand through his hair as he feels the weight of her words. He sighs heavily once more; he will not cry-no, not for her again.

"Please don't."

"Please don't what?"

"Please don't cry, worry or anything."

He laughs bitterly before saying," Well how the fuck am I not supposed to do that?" The line goes silent before he says, "I'll be here, I won't leave you even when you're gone," He composes himself as much as possible.

"Thank you for giving a shit."

"I'll always, I'll always." He's not lying.

It seems like ages before she replies, "Bye, I will see you, thank you." No, you won't, he adds mentally.

"He collapses into the bed and heaves up one last thing, before he's tatters-

"And please remember, I love you."

He hates himself.

**Shi Wu.**

He's at his third pity party with Clement- He's going to get sloshes, he knows it(that's why he's here), Clement is here with his girlfriend too- he's making sure his friend doesn't get sloshed ( and judging by the glares Clement's girlfriend is giving him, she's not very happy about that.

_Fuck whateverhernameis and on with with the Jameson!_

He takes a swig of his first beer- Clement's girl and Clement get in an argument and step outside- He doesn't care yet. Then the sofa dips next to him and he wonders if the girl who's next to him is lost.

She's a redhead, she's adorable and she smiles just right. She also smells great.

"Hello," he says – blinking.

"Hi," and she smiles- it looks like…

"Would you like a bottle?" He asks stupidly.

"Huh?"

"Would you like some of my-uhm-alcohol? Not that I'm trying to poison you, or drug you or stuff like that and okay I'll shut up right now," another swig whilst he winces inwardly at how well this conversation is going.

"Sure, I'd love some of your alcohol that is not poisonous, toxic, drugged, or stuff like that," she smiles.

_Why does she keep smiling? It's distracting._

Handing her another bottle of beer next to him, she takes it and drinks some.

::.

Her name is April and she looks like "Her". He holds her hand and ushers her in his house. She looks great in the right light. She really looks like her; he can't stop staring, smiling and trying to make her laugh.

It's alright; he is going to forget about Her.

**Shi Liu.**

_He would have kissed her, he could have touched her, and he should have felt her. He wanted to, but he knew-he knew that it wouldn't be the same, he knew what this all meant, but he wasn't going to say it._

Coming out of the reverie, He looks at his face in the mirror and sighs deeply. No matter what, he will forget. He will forget.

**Shi Qi.**

"Would you like to come out with me again, please?" April asks him with a clear and sultry eye. It's so easy to want her, she's so easy to talk to, and she's just so safe.

_Not Her._

He looks into her emerald eyes, seeing someone else; touches her redhead hair ,feels someone else ;and stares a little at her cute pouting mouth and he thinks of how happy she makes him .She makes him happy, the happiest he can ever be right now.

"Of course, April."

**Shi Ba.**

"You." He says, about to have heart failure, after he opens the door to his house.

"And you," she replies softly with an insecure smile. She's different, she's changed, she looks-

"You're back," he says, almost not believing it himself, he suspects his mouth is still slightly parted. He considers slamming the door in her face, calling Clement and going to have a very long nap.

**Shi Jiu.**

"So you practically went everywhere?" he asks in well hid disbelief. They are sitting in his living room, on the sofas-not together- and having some tea.

He met her halfway.

She runs a hand through her now short hair. It was black too, such a transition from her originally long auburn hair- He almost misses it. He catches his thoughts and steers himself back to the road, and listens to what she says, "Well, I had the time, and I had some money and my parents didn't give two shits so I went around, went where I wanted to and could," she finishes her sentence and takes a sip of her tea, casting her eyes onto him.

"I like what you did with your hair," is the only thing he manages to say after a moment's silence- his tone dripping with indifference.

**Er Shi.**

"You don't love me, I don't love you and we both know that- it's always been okay like this, why do you want things to change now?" Aprils asks, putting on her bra, about to leave the bed.

"I thought that-maybe, I don't know, that we were more?" He asks earnestly on the other side of the bed, hands over his head .He swallows the twinge of something not hurt and something not melancholy, he's normal here-this is his element.

It's just sex and he should have kept it that way-damn his heart for wanting something akin to a replacement.

"Where'd I put my shirt?" She mumbles, softly to herself. He looks at her almost bare back, no strange tan lines, but pretty moles on her neck and shoulder; it's truly beautiful (she's beautiful, she's one of the most beautiful people he's ever known). He can touch it, because it's okay and she's safe and she's there, but she's not his and he's not hers, so he doesn't, he goes back to his games, he goes back to his position, what he's here for, he goes back into character.

"April, when will I see you then?" He asks (voice controlled and calm) as he shifts nearer to her and holds her from behind. (She smells like lavender and vanilla –just lovely)

She leans into him and twists around to plant a soft kiss on his mouth (He feels nothing, she feels nothing, but she's offering herself and he's giving what little of himself he has-it's okay, it's simple, it's safe.)

She gets up, he watches her dress up and they have small talk, and she stays there for a bit while being semi-oblivious to the elephant in his room-or maybe his head-

She finishes dressing up and lets her hair loose and comes to him with a smile, "I'll see you," and she gives him a very long kiss- it's a lot of effort, he thinks, that she's putting there. She's getting what she wants and he's getting what he wants too, so he kisses right back, and then it's done and she's gone.

**Er Shi Yi**

(A Month after Shi Ba)

Stage One.

He's not doing so great; in fact he's doing something quite close to horrible.

But in the midst of all this psychological misery he has a new found hobby, a new hobby that consists of- alcohol, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, ecstasy, hell he even tried acid once. So basically he tries everything that gets him high. Okay he may be stretching it there but marijuana and alcohol are the easiest- most legal too.

April's gone to Italy, " _it's for school_ ", she says. He absently wonders how many hot Italians she fucks every day- he doesn't feel even the smallest hint of jealousy.  _Pathetic._  He Skypes her every now and then and she always looks happy to talk to him (probably the pity working there- because she's the only one who gets away with feeling sorry for him) He knows Clement feels sorry for him too, but Clement is stoic and doesn't say much, he doesn't smile much too, it's his presence that's comforting really. And okay maybe it's kind of even  _more_  pathetic that the tiniest bit of human contact makes him feel much less useless- yes Clement sees this and that's how he  _kind of_  moves in. It's 'kind of' because Clement sleeps there sometimes on his couch (even though he probably has a much more comfortable bed at home) these are the kind of things that make Him feel like he's a douchebag.

_Le sigh._

He stops asking about (or even wondering about) Clément's job, school, apartment and girlfriend even. He almost forgets that Clement is another living and breathing human being.

One day he just decides to go out- he buys so much weed that it's almost impossible to hide in his backpack; he then dumps his bag at home then goes out to buy ten bottles of the strongest vodka he can find. He's a sucker for vodka really.

And then he stops going out altogether.

**Er Shi Er.**

_Stage Two._

In the beginning, it's kind of fun, being high for most of the day. Clement doesn't join in immediately, but after what looks like a rough day at work one day, He's surprised to find Clement asking for the joint after his first three pulls. He actually gets surprised and when he asks Clement if he's  _sure_  (he was not sure if he should have asked that), Clement smirks instead of the stern look he expects.

At the back of his mind, he thinks to himself, and comes to the conclusion that something is very wrong with Him. Something is so wrong that he's willing to destroy the only human he has in his world right now- the only person who he cares about who actually cares back (family not included)

He thinks this and he knows this, but does that actually matter? Does he actually listen to himself? Does he actually care?

No, no, and surprisingly no.

They get high and actually have a blast, laugh all over the place- and when they sober up they finish up two more joints and drink half a bottle of vodka.

He hallucinates and Clement sings The Smiths.

It's the happiest he's ever seen Clement and then he hears the most words from Clement- he doesn't really know what Clement says half the time( or the entire time really) because he can't seem to shake the idea that there's a red-head- no, dark haired girl in the middle of his sitting room, smiling sweetly,

He feels sick.

**Er Shi San.**

_Stage Three._

They get high together every day after that. He hallucinates and Clement sings The Smiths. It's always the Smiths- always the fucking  _Smiths_.

It's one of those usual seven thirty days with school, no job , but no motivation- he finds that he has an erection though, and that kind of awakens something in him that he moves to the third stage.(The third stage of this thing that he's going through, be it depression, withdrawal syndrome and or being a plain fucking wimp)

He baths, shaves and looks like he isn't a hobo for once. He texts Clement saying they'll be having a guest at home tonight (because Clement has already gone to school) and Clement texts him back saying he has to visit his parents for a while but he'll be back in two weeks. This sounds very suspicious, something akin to avoidance or 'giving him space'- he'd been to enough therapy sessions in junior high where his therapist tried to explain some of the intricacies of most human minds- saying most of them are the same, just with different thought processes and different ways of trying to handle whatever is thrown at them in life. He ignores the almost Joey Greco-ish voice of his former therapist and hopes Clement is not lying and trying to get away from him. Clement is only human, and deserves all the rights to go away and leave Him entirely even, but that's not what He needs right now and definitely not what he wants. Or maybe Clement is just trying to be a cool bro.

He leaves school with a couple of assignments, nobody socializing with him(because he's  _that_ popular) and decides he'll pick up his 'guest ' at the bar nearest to the campus- he dumps his bag and trades his hoodie for a classic black t-shirt with hipster jeans(he almost wears his glasses). This is his element, he thinks as he ruffles his hair and looks at his natural brown complexion- his Indian heritage and features often making him seem easy going and approachable. Combing through his hair and locking up the house, he stands at his door step and swallows down the slight feeling of an almost anxiety attack- This is his element, he will be fine.

He looks at his phone one last time and finds no new text from Clement.

He goes to the bar, it's called 'The Chill', because I mean it's for college kids so it has to fit the profile. The people here aren't really freshmen, but more of seniors crowd (he knows this because most of the faces are senior faces. The lights are dim and the place is refurbished just like a modern bar for just twenty-something year olds is supposed to be. It's dark, but alight with an electric group of people everywhere- dark sofas and comfortable Zen looking chairs near the counter. He glides his body easily to the counter and asks for a light drink from the female bartender and makes sure to smile- she slips and smiles, eyes on him with interest. He doesn't bother with her and tips her, because waiting for her would be a turn-off. He has no patience today.

He decides to go sit on one of the comfortable sofas(it's empty so it won't look like he's looking) He sits there for maybe five minutes before an exotic (almost erotic looking) black girl takes a seat next to him, she's natural and has a big afro that he'd like to tangle his hands into.

And there, right there- he's already interested. She's in those high waisted jeans with a very see though crop top. She starts to talk to him, light and all- he catches her interested eye and they have all sorts of innuendo here and there, then she puts her hand on his thigh. His rusty people skills aren't so rusty because soon enough they are on their way to his place.

They reach the doorstep, she's saying something funny, but he half listens because he feels something funny, something he hasn't felt in a while- it's nausea mixed with a bit of panic. His hands almost shake as he opens the door, but he tries to calm and ushers her inside the house (vaguely remembering April and not feeling anything, he's not going think about  _Her_ , because he's going to feel disgusted ) He doesn't show the strange nerves he has here and she moves to him before they even get to the bedroom.

"One thing," she's pulling up his shirt, "No kissing," she's serious and he seriously has no problem with that- he actually rejoices inside and then the nerves are gone. He's in his element here.

They go to his room and he fucks her into the mattress so harshly that he thinks he's hurt her. She's gone before he wakes up. Which is perfect, she's a great lay, but great lays hardly ever stay. (Case one- April and as a matter of a fact April is the reason he's in this mess anyway, if she hadn't run off to Italy to fuck male models, his libido wouldn't be bothering him for an easy lay here and there and he wouldn't have hurt Linda- though she didn't complain, she actually bit him.)

It's to his upmost surprise that Linda texts him later saying it was amazing and that they should meet on Friday (It's Wednesday) He's feeling soothed at least.

They fuck every day after that, with the same ferocity and the same harshness and the same pain they seem to be sharing. He realizes that Linda has a problem too, because they don't kiss and they just go straight to business and she sometimes looks like she wants to cry- but she swears at him to not stop and to continue. He might be a jerk for this, but he gives her what she wants and she gives him what he wants too- so when Linda says doesn't mind the pain, or adds that she even likes it- He doesn't bother to figure out whether it's true or not. When he has sex with her, he's almost Free, when he has sex with Linda, he doesn't think about anyone else, when he has sex with Linda, he doesn't have to worry about the scar- or if she's seen it, but if she does, she says nothing and he appreciates it.

Some days she stays over and doesn't leave in the morning, some days he goes to hers where it smells of coffee and something strong like Brute-and then one morning she forgets to hide the stuff of the male counterpart that stays in her house( Because he has noticed, he just doesn't think he should even say anything about it)he knows it's probably an asshole boyfriend.(that much is obvious)And when he doesn't ask her the questions when she looks at him ,almost panicked as if her secret had been found out, he just fucks her and she doesn't kiss him.

One morning though, she looks at him mournfully, (it's the morning after their most heated night, it was almost as if they were fighting) He knows what's about to come. Her conscience finally defeating her, maybe the dude finally found out. "I'm sorry, but-"

He stops her there, because he doesn't deserve to ever get this talk- he's a man and he knows something like this before it even starts, "I know," he says as he gets up he goes and takes a shower (because he thinks he deserves this at least), and when he's out and comes dressed in yesterday's clothing, he finds hot coffee waiting for him with a nice breakfast and it's not the mournful Linda he left before he showered that he finds. This Linda, this Linda is artificial again- she smiles and he smiles- artificial too. They have small talk and he announces that he has to leave. How  _anticlimactic._

She gets up in her lavender silk night dress and kisses him for the first time.

She starts again right after the kiss, moving to something more of a hug now, "I'm sorry that we can't be-

"Different?" he finishes as he continues to embrace her.

"Yes, different…" she says to his neck. She sounds almost regretful- and well fuck that, he doesn't want to be anyone's  _mistake_.

He lets her go and goes through the front door, he remembers something and looks at her for the last time.

"If he's not worth it ,then he's  _not_ worth it… see you around Linda," turning back just before he would have had to see tears about to flow from her eyes, with a tight smile on her face- he has already turned away and never looks back.

**Er Shi Si.**

_Stage Four_

It's four days after 'Linda' and Clement actually comes back-and to Clement's surprise he finds Him sober, sprawled on the couch with one leg up and the other down. And once more to Clement's surprise, He jumps up and goes in for the warmest hug Clement's received in history.

_He changes, he really does._

He's more attentive in class now, He does things around the house, He works out, he gets a new haircut, buys some new clothes, applies for some jobs (because he quit working at the coffee shop a long time ago), visits the coffee shop to see Vicky and all, and he drives Clement to school and picks him up from work.

One day,Clement asks him if he'd like to live with him and He laughs asking what they're doing now, if it isn't called living together , then Clement clarifies that by asking him if he'd like to move to his much roomier apartment with less memories, vomit and blood stains.(They never did manage to get all the stains from the carpet and He loved the carpet too much to discard of it because of the stupid blood stains). Without even hesitating, he says yes.

_He thinks it's because of the memories._

So he and Clement pack up (Clement actually having stuff he has to pack, because Clément's stuff around the house actually accumulated since he came some months ago) they take everything they need to Clément's downtown apartment the next day. He feels like he's letting a piece of himself go.

And so He moves into the second bedroom of Clement's mad huge apartment- mentally calculating how many years and loans it would take him to buy this place (Clement's parents are rich and bought it for Clement when he graduated high school)

Seeing the place, He realizes why Clement is around him so much- it feels so empty. He tries to fill up his new space and notices Clement doing the same; filling up the space with His stuff, making it look like  _Theirs_ , not just  _Clement's_ \- His watch is always on the dining table and they leave their console next the decoder in the TV set, the cupboards are filled with different kinds of tea for Clement and all the different kinds of coffee for Him. He buys his favorite laundry detergent and Clement doesn't bother- He does both their laundry and he cooks too. He already has his own keys to the apartment and later on he will realize that the neighbors think that he and Clement are married.

And that thought makes him remember something, something that's supposed to be important, very guiltily, he stops cutting the onion he has and asks suddenly, "What happened to your girlfriend?"

The sound of someone typing on the keyboard stops immediately and He dares to look at Clement for a second. Clement is doing that thing he does when he forgets something important and remembers much too late. He wonders if this is deliberate or not.

"Don't tell me you forgot about her?" There's a lot of guilt in His voice.

The sound of someone typing continues and Clement looks up to meet His eyes and say, "Hardly, we decided to separate," his gaze returns to the keyboard and Clement continues almost (almost) ruefully, "I'm sorry I forgot to tell you."

If Clement thinks this is okay, then this is okay, if Clement is alright, then He's alright.

"Okay then," He says, because he has nothing else to say.

"It's just that I had better things to worry about, you know," and He wishes with all his heart that Clement could have omitted that and not made him feel like a  _burden_. Sensing the tension almost immediately, Clement says as he runs a hand through his red-head hair, "Besides, she refused to give me head."

It's absurd and weird to hear Clement talking about  _sex_ , but He laughs till he feels the stars in his head.

**Er Shi Wu.**

_Setbacks are a bitch, but the universe doesn't care about Him, does it?_

He's at his job in a record store called Muse-he later tells Clement that it's not inspired by Muse, nor is it even a tribute to them- the owner just felt like music was his 'muse' for most things and yeah, He can totally relate to that, now that he doesn't smoke or drink anymore, the things that occupy his time are mostly school, music and hanging out with Clement.

Sometimes he goes days without thinking about Her- her short black hair, leather jacket and jeans that make her look like Tris from the Divergent series. But when he does think about her, it's not for too long, he allows what he can manage, he still has her number and her Facebook account, but he's made sure he can never see her posts or even call her number, he doesn't text her on social media and he doesn't look at the guy he sees on her profile picture on social networks because he knows he wouldn't be able to take it. It's still fresh and he's not ready- he pretty much figured that out three weeks ago when he saw the guy on her profile picture for the first time- it stung, and it stung bad.

It was Clement who had to put him back together again and thank goodness he wasn't alone whilst he had the anxiety attacks, barely keeping in the sharp inhales of breath that threatened to spill much more than tears (maybe something related to the matters of the heart). Clement picked him up again and the next day he was okay, he was fine (as much as he could be)

He realizes that social media is dangerous, he also realizes that he should not ever go down his contacts list as to see the guy in her display picture, because for all his might and struggle, this guy who looks agonizingly handsome just scooped up what he's been mining for his whole life- even pining for- okay she isn't an object and he gets that, he isn't what she wants and he gets that too, so instead of raising hell or something like that he shuts up and continues with his life, hoping he'll never have to see her , hear from her or think about her again. It's a perfect plan in a very flawed world.

 _You should never have to go that far for someone_ , he says- it's his mantra, silent mantra, as he carefully goes down his contact list and blocks the space where the pictures appear so he doesn't have to see the guy, and then he scrolls back up again and there- what happened just now- is the proof, the proof that he's not ready . _Fucking Coward_. Not matter how many times he will tell his imaginary Clement( because he can't tell real Clement) that he's Better than Her, that he deserves Better, that he'll never be happy with her (this happened when he saw the guy there for the first time and then the following morning when it still felt like a man standing on his chest- these are his rants and sometimes he goes to sleep early enough to believe them) he is still not ready. Imaginary Clement knows  _this_ , He knows  _this_  so they both try to help him in the comfort of his mind and heart.

So yeah, he realizes what a total loser he's been (and still is) and decides to promptly forget her (again), it's as much as a success as it ever was, but he goes days without thinking of her and nights without fantasizing about her.

This day is one of his good days actually, he hasn't even thought about her- he finished a good book last night and Clement came home early enough to watch Labor Day with him- they both got a bit teary- and he's been eying some the latest albums by Lightfoils and Les Sins, plus a special discography he's going to get Clement at the end of the day. He goes around arranging albums in alphabetical order by artist in their genre and hears an advertisement about a Broadway show that features Rupert Grint.

Rupert Grint- Ron Weasley, Weasley? Red-head. Red-head? Clement. Clement? Oh yeah Clement is a red-head …a red-head, but not a ginger. Not a ginger? Mentally calling upon Clement's face and body, he decides that no, Clement is not a ginger. And neither is She-

Whoa hold up there cowboy, abort thoughts about Her...but she has black hair now and it's short- and it's Shailene Woodley all over again-

"Excuse me?" He hears from behind him, he turns and it's like all the universe wants is for him to die, and to die of a really ,really, really, broken, broken heart. It's the guy from Her profile picture and then he sees Her- a piano falls on his chest- she's not far away, too distracted by the Shoegaze section to notice that her existence makes Him unable to breathe. He doesn't look at her long enough to see if she's seen him, but he does look at her long enough to want to go to the hospital and ask them if you can be emotionally distressed to the point of dying, because if that's possible then he needs to call his parents to apologize, give Clement the most awesome Smiths related present and write a letter to all those that care to explain why he's dead.

But, no, right now he focuses on the Abercrombie & Fitch model and whatever his needs are so they can get the fuck out and he won't get fired because of leaving work early, even for an unspecified Health emergency ( Plus Clement was his emergency contact so if they called him, obviously, he'd get out of one of the most involving and crucial lessons of his course and wouldn't leave till He would be okay- and hell that would probably take weeks) So even though there are little knives tightening around his chest and he's all sweaty from hiding from Her, he stills helps the guy and recommends one of the best Arctic Monkeys albums, not mentioning that he knows that Alex Turner is totally her favorite artist ever- he even remembers the day she tried to channel Alex Turner and he'd laughed at her and said she looked like a dyke-

Maximum  _Her_  thoughts reached, please abort thought process.

Restart system, Drivers not at 100% efficiency, error detected in system.

"Thank you so much, man," and Really Handsome Guy claps him on the shoulder before he pays at the counter and gives him twenty bucks too much- He actually thinks to stop him and give him the money, but the guy just winks at him and finds his Girlfriend in the very far, Classical corner, far enough that He can sink slowly behind the counter to breathe and count to a hundred. They're gone by the time he reaches ten.

He makes sure to put all the money in the counter.

**Er Shi Liu.**

He burns all his Arctic Monkeys CD's when he gets home and by burning he actually burns them- with fire and everything( in the fireplace)

So by the time Clement gets home, it's a bit warmer than usual -it's not that unbearable, but it's easy to notice. He busies himself with a five course meal whilst Clement settles down. Sooner than he had hoped, he hears it.

"What happened?" And this is Clement right behind him- he can't even fake not being startled, so he turns around and says exasperated, "I'm holding a knife here Clement, are you actively trying to get me to stab you?"

Clement is not a fool and Clement knows this, so when Clement puts on his 'I'm not buying any of your shit' face, He understands, and He knows why it's so easy for Clement to not believe Him . Yeah so maybe he looks like five hundred kinds of 'wrecked', is clutching to the knife for dear life and busying himself with an unnecessarily fancy meal for just the two of them, so what? It's not like he's having an emotional breakdown, it's definitely not like he is slowly being eaten alive by something that's not physical or visible, right?

_Right?_

And this is when I, the narrator of the story, becomes unsure of the current events.

"You burned your Arctic Monkeys collection." Clement says blankly.

"Yeah, I needed some space for new stuff, like Whirr, Nothing, Les Sins, Broken Social Scene, oh and Pity Sex is nice too-" he tries to jabber.

"It's Arctic Monkeys," Clement continues.

"Yeah, I know, I bought them after all," he tries to sound annoyed.

"Alex Turner," Clement sounds like he's getting angry.  _Oops._

"Yeah, as I said, I bou-"

"You do not wake up one day and fucking burn Alex Fucking Turner, now tell me,  _What_.  _The_.  _Fuck_.  _Happened_?" It's as angry and loud as it looks.

And so He just turns around and says, "I think I need a drink first."

**Er Shi Qi.**

It takes four hours, drinks that turn out to be five different kinds of tea, a five star meal abandoned, sitting on the sofa with feet pulled up and a muted Girl In Progress on TV for Clement to know everything.

And by everything, I mean Everything. Imaginary Clement is no more,  _real_  Clement knows, and he  _knows_  .Knows  _everything_

They are silent for a while, but He decides to break the ice,

"I get nauseous right before the period in which I'm supposed to be having my dinner," he says, hands holding a glass of water. He's still nervous and frazzled and not any bit okay.

Clement looks up from the floor and says without judgment," Shouldn't we get that checked?"

"Nah," a gulp, "and then they tell me I have AIDS", it's just a joke, because they need that.

"Well with all that unprotected sex you've been having, I wouldn't be surprised," Clement counters- now it's His turn to be surprised, He didn't think Clement really knew about his sex life albeit he does go out a lot (But that was before Linda) and come back with lots of hickeys sometimes- Clement wasn't around to see Linda at work though (biggest and nastiest hickeys he'd ever gotten- _utterly filthy_ ) Clement senses the heightened tension.

"Hardly, dude, I always use a condom." He almost sounds normal

"One wonders how you even get laid so much," Clement says in disbelief.

"Easy," he says before an almost smug grin," I'm pretty easy."

Clement scoffs and He just smiles, lopsided grin and all. And that- that is  _real_ , real enough to ground him and bury his head in the sofa.

It's time to talk.

**Er Shi Ba.**

"Now I know why you do everything you do," Clement comments, patting His shoulder, "I know each and every reason for What you do and what you do not do, I have attained Enlightenment," some more pats, Clement is not pressuring him to talk, "I know everything now, and it is time for me to give you some hard advice- because I give Huge shits to you and only you." Clement continues patting him and He doesn't feel like he's going to cry anymore, " _This_  ,my friend, is the exact reason I don't love anyone- repeat-  _Don't Love_ , Anyone except you and my parents, but mostly you. I do not love anyone romantically and never wish to. It's absolutely handicapping! Now I know exactly why you tried to kill yourself," the last sentence is almost said in disgusted wonder, he tugs at His hair so Clement can see his face, "Look at me, now," and he looks, with eyes dangerously watery into the crystal clear blues of Clement's, "I will not, repeat will not leave you, okay? Never…but you," pushing a finger to His chest," you have to leave Her alone," He is about to protest about to tell Clement that No, he is trying and yes it is hard, but no he'll try harder, even though yes the feelings are there-he just can't seem to let go, so he doesn't tell him that and so Clement continues, " This is way past a hardcore crush or a bad case of jumping to conclusions- you are not yourself, you do things that are not things You would do, just because of what? Of This? Of this girl? I don't know her and I frankly don't wish to know her, but no matter how amazing she is, You should never go that far for someone.  _Never."_ Shame bubbles up within Him and he looks down.

It's only seconds till Clement hugs him.

"You know what you have to do."

**Er Shi Jiu.**

_(There's Nowhere to Go from Here)_

He calls her three weeks later and asks Her if she can meet him at the café, (how cliché) except it's not, it's not the same, he's something akin to sane then there's determination there as well. She sounds happy – happy enough to meet him, he doesn't think into what other things she could be doing or how he wouldn't be wasting her time. He's better than that today, he's better.

The coffee shop comes into view and he's right around the corner, he stands there for a while, almost wishing he were religious enough to leave this up to someone else. He stands there for half a minute and whispers,  _twenty seconds of courage_ , and goes into the café, finding her in her favorite spot.

Oh, the memories.

She's as beautiful as ever- this time he allows himself to think that.

He sinks into his seat and she's all smiles, they strike up a conversation like old times, the feeling, the sinking feeling in his stomach is there- the dull ache, but he doesn't mind right now, he doesn't bother. He looks at how her natural hair color is slowly, but surely coming back and how her hair is at her shoulders now- she is no Shailene Woodley, she is more, and it's okay to think that.

She realizes he's staring and this is the time, he decides.

"I brought you a mix tape," he puts an old school tape on the table- it's written "Her" in simple black letters. She looks genuinely surprised and this earns him another one of her amazing smiles- he can't help but blush.

_This will never be forever._

"Oh my gosh, this is so awesome, wow, thank you, can I hug you right now?" He's caught off-guard, but he recovers and smiles.

"Not, just yet, I have to tell you something," He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, he opens them then he says, "So I have this whole speech in my head-what I want to say, well I don't want to forget, because I'll forget then all the best things I should have mentioned won't be included and that would be sad. To forget, of course. So I'm just going to start right now- I thought I was doing the right thing you know, I thought I would manage after you came back, I'm sure you know or even saw how I affected I was, I actually tried to delete you from my mind- talk about a one-sided Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," he laughs nervously here," Wow, I think I forgot how awesome it was or is to talk to you or even be around you, anyway, I'm sorry, my point is that, I had a very, very, very bad case of 'Likes' when it came to you, when it came to everything about you, first time it ever happened to me actually. You were a storm and I saw you a mile away, I was incredibly taken by you."

He stops to look at her and he sees pity, she thinks he's pouring his heart out for her- he almost stops.

"I didn't realize," he's stronger now, he goes on a better path, "that I was presenting myself with a problem and trying to ignore the problem, I didn't realize or I wanted to keep on thinking of you as a 'problem' not a human, I wanted to forget all the awesome times- albeit short- I had with you, and that wasn't right, it wasn't okay. But I was trying to be okay, even though I was falling apart by the seams, especially after meeting your boyfriend that day in Muse, I work there by the way,"

"No wonder he got...I couldn't believe he knew about me and Alex Turner!" She's shocked and he doesn't relish in the fact that he put that there.

"So I tried to forget again, tried to forget everything awesome about You, till my own version of Ron Weasley told me to man up."

He looks into her eyes right now. She looks beautiful and it's okay.

"I'm letting go, I'm okay now, I don't need to be," he stops, looks into the distance," I don't have to have your love, or your like, I now realize, I  _finally_  realize that it's okay. That this is okay, that life isn't about love for someone."

"Ordinary people are everywhere," they say in unison.

And in this moment, everything is okay, He's okay, she's okay, they're okay. They don't have to go anywhere from here- it doesn't have to be better. He has Clement, he has music, he has love- maybe not the kind he wants, maybe not the kind he's been longing for, sure he might wake up one day and it'll be one of those bad ones with his nausea and anxiety and everything-but everything will later be okay, because he still has Love.

"That's really all I wanted to tell you, I guess I'll see you around then, thanks for coming out," and this time he's leaving he's not lying, he isn't bitter or spiteful or anything like that, he's leaving lighter, not heavier and he thinks of home and Clement and how it's the Smiths tonight. It's painful- the dull ache is there, he almost half feels like crying or laughing, but this was necessary, this had to be done- for him, for him to move on, to get on with life, to be happy.

He had to pretend he was okay.

When he gets on the bus and relives seeing her knowing and understanding face- he gets it, he does. He just let go, he finally let go, albeit there are those almost tears stinging his eyes, because it really wasn't easy and his feelings are still there and hers nonexistent. And that probably hurts the most-

_Pull yourself the fuck together._

And He doesn't cry.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: He is Gino and she is Juniper.
> 
> 20 seconds of courage- We Bought a Zoo, I found that phrase very helpful in different aspects of my life.
> 
> "You were a storm and I saw you a mile away", is inspired by a verse in "Hurricane" by Gangs of Ballet (I heavily suggest that you listen to that song and stuff from the band )
> 
> "Life isn't about love for someone,
> 
> Ordinary people are everywhere"
> 
> This is from a song by Sufjan Stevens, "I Want to be Well"
> 
> Songs like Dilate by Ani Difranco and Do I Wanna Know by Arctic Monkeys are perfect for this part of the story
> 
> Azoth by Zeigeistic (Drarry Story) also helped me with my feels, but Some Kind of Beautiful by Nothingbutfic was one of the things that really made me feel into this story- though I read it months before I started writing this.
> 
> I'm sorry to all those who thought this would be a happy story- clearly as you can see, it is not. This originally started as a small chapter (paragraph) on any day I felt like I had the feels in my senior year of high school. Personal dilemmas, sad music, exams- the pressure of passing and failing, drinking, taking marijuana, depression, anxiety attacks, cutting all lead somewhere in the end- here, this little thing I wrote… so even if this story might not seem like something important or worth reading to some, it's okay, because I felt like I needed to write this and share this- I put a piece of my soul in this- my Horcrux. I had to write about Gino and Juniper and how you can try to not love someone so much to the point of losing yourself. I'm only seventeen, I haven't done much in life- I'm not an exceptional writer, but I feel like this just had to be written.
> 
> Love's Brother (movie) is where I got our protagonist's name from.
> 
> Gino probably feels like Winterheart by Niki & the Dove right now :"(
> 
> I'm thinking of writing a sequel- the story of April/Gino- the relationship that never was…


End file.
